For the last while, especially the past 8 months or so I’ve been feeling really disconnected to this work. I haven’t really felt like drawing, and every time I do I pick up the pen, it... It’ just the worst. I don’t even know how to describe it, it’s just horrible. I find it hard to focus on the subject of what I’m drawing or want to draw and instead find myself focusing on the perceived imperfections of that piece. More so than I ever used to.
I always had a negative voice in my head when I was drawing, that’s never not been a thing. Recently however, it’s become deafening. Frankly, lately I’ve been simply trying to silence it, at the very least get it back to the decibel level used to be. So I can focus on literally, anything else again.
The only thing that’s been helpful lately has been the gym. I’m working out 5 times a week now, doing very light shit on the two days off and I am definitely seeing a big improvement in my physical capabilities.
Even though the voice becomes somewhat tolerable during workouts, it never goes away the way it used too... It’s always fucking there. Honestly it’s just become somewhat detrimental to my ability to focus and my overall creativity. It just has, and as much as I don’t want it too. And just fight through it. Being silent about it is literally killing me. Maybe just writing about this bullshit will help, cause my fucking god. I’ve had it with this shit... I’ve tried just sitting and drawing for 8 hours, no matter what, focus on the work... The voice never goes away, I rarely feel that “grove” the way I used to.
It feels like... My mind is, unbalanced or something. Unable to focus, and just constantly revved in the worst way possible.
It’s honestly so impossible to put in words. It’s hard to know what else to say. Other than I’m working on it, and a bit of artwork... But, unless I’m basically killing myself at the gym, so much so I have trouble moving the next day... I feel unfocused. Adrift.
I’m trying everything to figure out exactly what the fuck my problem is... What’s changed, what happened that’s so different? And honestly I can’t put my finger on it.
Maybe thinking is just the biggest problem, and why the only time I seem to be able to gain any clarity is when I let go at the gym... I’m not sure, I just know I couldn’t put off another one of these posts with some bullshit thing like “next week is going to be better”. Cause honestly, I just can’t say that with any fucking certainty right now.
I’m not stopping, and whatever the fuck my problem is. I will figure it out... But for right now all I can do is say, I will be here every Friday, no matter what. Until I get this shit sorted out though... Just, bare with me. I’m not going to be making as much artwork, or at least sharing as much of what I’m working on right now, cause, it’s what I need to do right now.
I need to be happy with what I’m putting out there, not just putting shit out there because it’s Friday.
And I feel like this has been a big part of the issue lately.
Hope this makes some sense.
See you all next Friday. Here’s something I am working on and liking the look of, and here’s one of my favourite pieces from a while back.
Enjoy, Happy Friday everyone, see you next week.
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