“There’s no point focusing on the past, you’re not going there anyway”- Troy Frick, My father.
“Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it”-George Santayana
These are two very different ways of looking at the world, aren’t they? One is an idea based on a wish to avoid responsibility for ones bad decisions. While the other wants to focus and learn from those mistakes and do better.
For years, I tried to be a bit of both. As a man, I can’t explain it.. even though my father treated me like absolute dog shit. I wanted to make him proud. I wanted him to be a part of my life. To make things work. To understand why he did what he did to me and my mother and try to do better. Together.
When I tried to talk about this with him, or brought up any grievance about my past or childhood that I had. It all just didn’t matter, I was remembering things “wrong”... I simply had the wrong “Perspective” on the situation.
I mean, “There’s no point focusing on the past” after all... “We aren’t going there anyway!”
I suppose I would probably want to avoid the hard facts of my past too, if, I had abandoned my 4 year old son and wife for an 18 year old student I was not only teaching, but screwing. I suppose I’d want to avoid how unchristian that is too, when you consider yourself one.
Honestly, I don’t want to live in the past anymore. Blaming my father for how my life turned out. I want to make my life amazing, with, or without him. And evidently it’s going to be without him.
At some point in time you just have to accept that what happened, and move forward. With, or without them by your side, as parents are meant to be. You have to learn to do better and not become resentful for it... Cause trust me. It will eat you alive.
Bitterness, anger, resentment, rage, hatred. These things get you no where.
I can’t change the past, I can’t change my father. All I can do is learn from the past we had together and be better for it. I can’t make him undo the things he did to me. But I can damn well make sure I teach other young and upcoming men, and fathers how not to treat their sons. And I can make sure I never, EVER do any of the things I know he did to me! It’s not a matter of “Perspective” It’s a matter of personal responsibility.
I don’t want to blame others. And if I ever have a son I want to damn well make sure I don’t raise him to hate me. As my father raised me to hate him.
This last December was one of the worst months of my life, for sure. I tried one last time to make things work with my father, and on the last text I sent him. He ghosted me. Like a fucking teenage girl.
With that, and everything else that happened to me that month. I was just not in a good place at all...
So... I’ve been just. Reflecting on some shit for the past few months. I’ve finally gotten to a place where this is no longer something I want to dedicate time too. And something I no longer wish to focus on, at all. It has literally drained me of all my ambition for quite some time... My father made me feel worthless.
No fucking more.
I have goals I want to achieve. I have things I want to accomplish in this life and my fear, pain and hatred has been ruling my life for far to long. Again...
No fucking more.
I have been going to the gym god damn religiously. Four days a week for the past three months now, with a trainer and a regiment. And for the first time in about a decade I am not in unbelievable amounts of pain! I’m so god damn happy about this, for the first time in a long time I have hope that I can get better.
After dealing with chiropractors, physio therapists, surgeons, doctors, doing my own exercises. I am so ecstatic I finally found something that appears to be working! Thank freaking God!
It’s time to take this positive momentum in my life and add it to other elements of it as well. First and foremost is getting this back in a regular grove here. Every Friday is Fricktured Friday! No matter what, every Friday from now on I will be posting some artwork finished or not, along with a post about a topic I find interesting, or just something that I think needs to be said, like today.
But... I feel Like I’ve said everything I want to say today. So, without further delay, here are a few pieces I’ve been working on since my last post. Some finished, some not. And a few that are going to be redone. Enjoy.
Happy Monday everybody, hope you have a great week!
And if you’re not having a great week or aren’t in the best of places. Chin up. It can get better if you’re not willing to give up, and you keep working at it! TRUST ME!
Sincerely, Bret Frick.